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Hidden Alters

  • Posted on March 18, 2009 at 9:53 pm

In any system, I think that as you work through learning about your parts and the jobs that they do for you, you will find alters inside that might not have names.  During my therapy I was able to map out my system and finally see some of the names that I placed on my alters.  Thing is, I had some that were unnamed and, to this day, I cannot truly identify their jobs but I do know they are a part of me.

It’s very hard to explain, but there are times I feel a presence that isn’t common but I know they are there for a specific job.  Once the job is done, I feel a blank spot in my experience in place of the presence.  It sounds very odd, I’m sure, but try to touch on it for me if you would.

Similar to a ’singleton’ dealing with daily life.  You have a strength from ‘within’ that you didn’t realize you had.  You speak up when you’re not used to doing that…or maybe you react to someone in a weak way when you’re usually a stronger person.  It’s very similar to that.

I don’t want to minimize my situation or others that have suffered (and sparkled) from MPD, but finding these similarities seems to help those on the outside touch on what I might be feeling in my life.

Does anyone else feel that they have a few (or many, like me) hidden alters in their system?  Or, do you find that even without MPD in your life, you can touch on this issue with experiences you have had?

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A New Challenge

  • Posted on April 26, 2008 at 1:02 pm

One of my biggest fights this past week is going from “work” mode to “home” mode.  I realize that everyone has this issue, but let me explain a bit how it feels for me.

My personalities work together very well and I’ve stayed quite balanced for some time.  Part of this balance came from my taking good care of myself since my move back to Texas.  I realized that others cannot always meet my needs so I’ve got to take that part of my life into my own hands (with Gods help) and pay attention to it.

Getting rest, taking time out for the littles (coloring, exploring, getting creative), and simply paying attention to my needs as they change have been some of the ways I’ve been finding my balance.

But, since I’ve started my new job I have been faced with new challenges.  Not only am I now working a schedule I’m not used to, but I’m also full of ambition and drive with my new experiences.  I wake up in a great mood, enjoy the drive to work, work diligently while there and then change modes and relax on my drive home.  In the evenings I make time for my children and spend those moments with them until bedtime.

Perfect schedule, right?

Not really.  I’ve realized that on the weekends this drive and ambition can take over some and create a bit of an emotional puzzle for me.  I wake up happy and full of energy, clean house, organize, then I’m faced with changes in my schedule due to family plans or a lack of my own space like I had at work all week.  This puts me into a tizzy and I feel overwhelmed with emotions.

The best fix I can find is to talk to myself some and try to include the relaxed and easy-going personalities into my day.  If I could just switch the personalities on and off I would!  Unfortunately I don’t have that power or ability and I’m stuck working with the changes as best I can.

My goal has been and always will be “balance”.  To find this I am going to continue to open the lines of communication (blogging, journaling, and self-talk) and work to get my system coordinated so that Monday through Friday I can be full of ambition and drive, and Saturday/Sunday I won’t lose the ambition and drive but I will be able to loosen my schedule some and cope with changes more easily.

I will let you know how that works.  I feel anything here that I experience can be a lesson to others that struggle with similar issues.  I might as well document/journal them and open myself up to accept suggestions instead of working through it alone.

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Bringing Balance To The System

  • Posted on March 26, 2008 at 7:51 am

My son recently asked me if my personalities seemed to like different hairstyles.  He had noticed that one day I would have it parted one way, and the next I’d be in braids or pigtails.  Of course!  This is exactly what I talk about when I say that you can express yourself with some balance and still be “us” while maintaining your responsibilities in life and your obligations to others.

It is quite odd for someone to imagine having kids or teens in their head, I know.  But just like the expressions with hairstyles I speak of here, I also have to maintain good rest and eating habits.  It is like I’m working toward a healthy life but instead of putting my physical self first I’m putting my mental health first.

I find this to be my breakthrough when it comes to handling situations, living day to day, stepping back into the career world and being a good mom.  There are so many positives I have reached out for and pulled close to me in order to continue to be a survivor and not a “victim”.

It has made a world of difference for me.  But, back on topic, I can look at myself in the mirror each day and almost name each part of my system and how they helped me prepare for my day.  My system is still at work for me but instead of a fragmented set-up with chaos I’m working to include everyone in on being “us”, and somehow, it makes us appear as “me”.  I think I am finding self-love gradually and that is a great feeling!

Are you still searching for a balance?  Do you find, even those without MPD or a dissociative disorder, that you put your physical self first and might need to work on putting your mental health forward some?

I’m going to write more about what I do to keep balance and order in my system and where I feel I still fail on this…

3 Comments on Bringing Balance To The System

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