Living with MPD

I can write better than I can speak.  Writing allows me to think a moment, re-read, reflect.  It has been a helpful healer during my daily journey with MPD.

I always was a writer.  I have poetry from elementary school days that won awards.  I can remember writing notes to friends that were pages and pages long.  We would doodle on the edges when we ran out of things to say.

I now find it hard to keep my mind focused on journaling.  My biggest issue is the lack of control that’s had when you journal private thoughts.  I repeat “what if someone reads this” and it’s not only the secret diary thoughts as a kid that I remember “I have a crush on so-and-so, don’t tell, Diary!” but also the thought that if I die, that’s all that they would have left of me.  My words.

This puts a ton of pressure on me and I just can’t bear it.  I know, it’s silly.

It is.

But, I rarely second-thought my posts on my blog.  I don’t have a ton of peer pressure bearing down on me.  I don’t have anyone that I’m trying to impress.  I’m just venting, writing, creating, sharing…

I’ve pulled my journal out a few times over the last few months.  I wrote a quick few paragraphs and put it back.  I don’t enjoy it like I used to, and yet I miss it more than ever.

Journaling while in therapy was a huge help.  I was able to communicate with my parts and system in a surreal way.  I was able to work through homework and figure things out.

I think I need to put away my worries and fears and just journal.  It always would spark good blog posts, in the past, too.

Do you journal?  Have you ever used it as therapy help or found that it helps you heal from hurt?