Living with MPD

Ever have one of those days where everything goes wrong? I know you have…it might have been recent.

Mine was yesterday. It started late Wednesday night when I drove through a parking lot and got a bolt in my tire. This is a tire I have already had patched twice so I was reduced to the realization that I was going to have to replace it. Not only that, I was going to have to buy two tires since it’s best to replace them at the same time and I had already gotten a set for the back.

Then, after changing it (with help from an awesome friend) and driving with a “donut” tire I looked at the time and had to plan to get it all done the next day.

Thursday, I had some meeting notes to bring in early and needed to set up for an important discussion. I left the house early and had another important appointment set for 1pm. I woke up after weeks of fighting Bronchitis and felt a horrible pain in my right lung when I would breathe or cough.

I ended up showing up to work and the pain was unbearable so I left early and headed to the ER. They confirmed I had pleurisy and bronchitis and needed another round of medication to beat it.

I left, late for my 1pm appointment (four hours in the ER is never fun) and went there to reset the appointment. I was informed it was actually for Wednesday, not Thursday, so I had missed it by a day and didn’t even know it!

Now, I’ve become a highly organized individual with all my working through personalities and trying to coordinate. This left me with a bit of a “crazy” feeling but I told myself that even singletons miss appointments. If it became a habit or a loss of time problem, I would further evaluate it. But, for now, I think it was an honest mistake. (My mother even thought the appointment was set for Thursday!)

Additionally, I got a call from the Cruise lines stating my last payment was due. I had agreed to pay in two weeks, the final payment, and they were saying it had to be done by this week. Luckily, after I broke down and stressed out, I calmed down and was able to send an email and clarify that my original arrangements were correct and they had sent the email in error. WHEW!

All in all it was a hugely stressful day that ended up okay as soon as I walked in the door to greet my children. There was a peace about it, as I entered the house, and we spent a few hours just hanging out and being us.

I really enjoyed it. I don’t want to have to have a horrible everything goes wrong day to realize that my children and my home is where my heart is…

Don’t forget the little things! They are probably bigger than you realize.

I can write better than I can speak.  Writing allows me to think a moment, re-read, reflect.  It has been a helpful healer during my daily journey with MPD.

I always was a writer.  I have poetry from elementary school days that won awards.  I can remember writing notes to friends that were pages and pages long.  We would doodle on the edges when we ran out of things to say.

I now find it hard to keep my mind focused on journaling.  My biggest issue is the lack of control that’s had when you journal private thoughts.  I repeat “what if someone reads this” and it’s not only the secret diary thoughts as a kid that I remember “I have a crush on so-and-so, don’t tell, Diary!” but also the thought that if I die, that’s all that they would have left of me.  My words.

This puts a ton of pressure on me and I just can’t bear it.  I know, it’s silly.

It is.

But, I rarely second-thought my posts on my blog.  I don’t have a ton of peer pressure bearing down on me.  I don’t have anyone that I’m trying to impress.  I’m just venting, writing, creating, sharing…

I’ve pulled my journal out a few times over the last few months.  I wrote a quick few paragraphs and put it back.  I don’t enjoy it like I used to, and yet I miss it more than ever.

Journaling while in therapy was a huge help.  I was able to communicate with my parts and system in a surreal way.  I was able to work through homework and figure things out.

I think I need to put away my worries and fears and just journal.  It always would spark good blog posts, in the past, too.

Do you journal?  Have you ever used it as therapy help or found that it helps you heal from hurt?

It was funny. Today at work we discussed an interesting topic. I was talking with my co-workers about my first few days at work.  It all started when I was having a heart-to-heart with a friend and she admitted to me that she and I both have such strong personalities…and she didn’t like me when she first met me.

Not because I’m some unlikeable person, but because we are both strong personalities and she and I both sensed the threat.  (I didn’t think I’d like her, either, when I first met her)

We brought this up to another member of the office (who happens to have hired me) and we all laughed because every one of us felt a different feeling when we first met than we feel now.  We’re super comfortable with each other at this point, but when judging a book by it’s cover, we reacted quickly in a way that might have kept us from forming a friendship.

I think this happens often, and if you’re not put into a work situation with others, and there’s really no reason for you to “like” the person you feel threatened by, then you tend to stick with your first feeling. 

I’m probably overthinking this, but if you were forced into hanging out with a few people you don’t like, do you think you’d end up liking them?