You are currently browsing the archives for April 2008

A New Challenge

  • Posted on April 26, 2008 at 1:02 pm

One of my biggest fights this past week is going from “work” mode to “home” mode.  I realize that everyone has this issue, but let me explain a bit how it feels for me.

My personalities work together very well and I’ve stayed quite balanced for some time.  Part of this balance came from my taking good care of myself since my move back to Texas.  I realized that others cannot always meet my needs so I’ve got to take that part of my life into my own hands (with Gods help) and pay attention to it.

Getting rest, taking time out for the littles (coloring, exploring, getting creative), and simply paying attention to my needs as they change have been some of the ways I’ve been finding my balance.

But, since I’ve started my new job I have been faced with new challenges.  Not only am I now working a schedule I’m not used to, but I’m also full of ambition and drive with my new experiences.  I wake up in a great mood, enjoy the drive to work, work diligently while there and then change modes and relax on my drive home.  In the evenings I make time for my children and spend those moments with them until bedtime.

Perfect schedule, right?

Not really.  I’ve realized that on the weekends this drive and ambition can take over some and create a bit of an emotional puzzle for me.  I wake up happy and full of energy, clean house, organize, then I’m faced with changes in my schedule due to family plans or a lack of my own space like I had at work all week.  This puts me into a tizzy and I feel overwhelmed with emotions.

The best fix I can find is to talk to myself some and try to include the relaxed and easy-going personalities into my day.  If I could just switch the personalities on and off I would!  Unfortunately I don’t have that power or ability and I’m stuck working with the changes as best I can.

My goal has been and always will be “balance”.  To find this I am going to continue to open the lines of communication (blogging, journaling, and self-talk) and work to get my system coordinated so that Monday through Friday I can be full of ambition and drive, and Saturday/Sunday I won’t lose the ambition and drive but I will be able to loosen my schedule some and cope with changes more easily.

I will let you know how that works.  I feel anything here that I experience can be a lesson to others that struggle with similar issues.  I might as well document/journal them and open myself up to accept suggestions instead of working through it alone.

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Building Walls

  • Posted on April 20, 2008 at 7:30 am

Is this a good thing at times, to build up your emotional walls just high enough that they keep you secure and safe?  I’m thinking there is a balance that can be found when it comes to experiencing life.

You cannot build your walls so high that nobody can get through, this leads to an emotionally closed off life and it’s just not healthy.  On the other side, you cannot trust the world and everyone in it enough to keep your walls down completely, and not have a care about yourself.

Where is this balance that I seek?  How high do the walls need to be for me to keep from getting hurt?

Is it wrong for me to utilize my alters when it comes to emotional pains or is this something that I can use in my life to help me cope with everyday things?   I truly am working through this and I feel that there is a balance that can be struck between it all.  I hope to find it.  And, I will definitely talk more on this later in the week!

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Dynamos, Be One!

  • Posted on April 19, 2008 at 10:55 am

There is a search going on and you might be one of the stars that the Pond’s Institute is looking for.  A contest on their site states that they are looking for a sassy, sexy, and confident group of women to be Donna & the Dynamos from the movie MAMMA MIA!

Enter the contest with a few of your friends and make a video of yourselves singing a song from their site and you could win a trip to London.  Sounds like a blast to me.  Check out the page, they make it easy to enter and invite your friends, plus they have a convenient checklist there of things you need to do to enter.

If you think, like Pond’s does, that everyone has Dynamo in them, then jet over there now and show off your attitude.  The two songs they have on the site are Mamma Mia and Dancing Queen.

Care to leave a comment?

Stuff, stuff and more stuff

  • Posted on April 16, 2008 at 1:29 pm

I’ve been working hard on my job search now that things settled down for me after surgery.  Good things have been happening in my life and I’m so glad that I’m able to stay positive through all the hard things I was facing after my move back.

So many changes in my life have come up but they have all been super good for me.  I’m thankful for that.  I know it doesn’t always happen so smoothly when life throws challenges out to a person.

I’ve been staying very busy with work, my writing jobs, and my children’s schedules.  I have a daughter thinking about her middle school years coming up and a son that’s starting football practice as soon as school is out.  This summer will be interesting, to say the least, but nothing a gazillion other mothers don’t face each day.

I’ve seen quite a few mentions of MPD in the news lately since Herschel Walker (former Dallas Cowboy) released his book.  I purchased a copy and plan on speaking about it here on my blog as soon as I can read it.  I loved his attitude in the interviews that I saw, it was very much like my own when it comes to treatment and living with MPD.  I never heard mention of him working to integrate but I’m not sure of that as a fact.   I look forward to seeing what experiences he shares and what type of outlook on healing he has.

I have said before and I’ll say it yet again–every case is different and personal and the treatments can vary so much from person to person, but the big goal is to heal and keep going, to LIVE and survive.  That, I believe, is why I used this coping mechanism during whatever trauma I went through.  I had such a will to live.  Why would I lose that later in life when I have far more to live for?

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Mistakes, Clean Them OUT

  • Posted on April 9, 2008 at 8:50 pm

Isn’t it funny how when you make a mistake the story sticks with you for much longer than it does others?  What I mean is, when you do something, you are much harder on yourself than others.

I watched, tonight, as my daughter cleaned out a drawer in her room.  She found little things that she forgot she had, and threw away the trash that was there to make room for new things, and give the older treasured things room.  We have to do this with our mistakes, too!  Don’t hold onto the trash.

I’ve seen this happen time and time again.  As a multiple I thought I was alone and just very hard on myself about things I did wrong.  I’ve come to realize, with the help of others, that this is not just something one with MPD fights, but it’s a human issue that many live with.  Maybe we just tend to magnify it between our many personalities.

Usually it is a small item that sits with you for years and keeps you held down with some unseen force.  I have found that living in the past is what hurt me so much, for so long.

You can’t let this happen.  I’m unsure what the solution is but I see that in the same way big things affect us, little things can build up over time and really get us down.  I have to stay very alert to these things in my life so that I do not allow them to drown me.

I catch myself continually apologizing about something I’ve done and I will be told “it’s okay, don’t worry about it” and I never believe the person.  Then, when put on the other side, hearing someone apologize to me over and over again I realize what a burden this can be in our lives.

Start cleaning your mistakes out a bit, and while it’s okay to keep the ones near you that you learn from, don’t let them take up room in your life so much that you don’t allow new and healthy experiences to come to you.

3 Comments on Mistakes, Clean Them OUT

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