I was recently asked to answer some questions for someone that was doing a high-school paper on MPD. I thought I’d share the answers with you here on my blog, in case it’s a question you would want to ask but haven’t for some reason.
Ok here are my answers, I hope I was able to write it as well as I would say it:
When were you first diagnosed with MPD?
It was around 1999-2000 that I entered therapy for depression and blackouts that I was experiencing. I was in my 20’s and married with two children.
I knew I had lost time, I had actually become quite analytical about myself after finding some chat logs that didn’t appear to be written BY me but had my name in front of them as a nickname. I had this happen often and I felt
I was losing time and I wasn’t sure why. I wanted to find out without appearing “crazy” and I felt going to see a therapist would be my only choice. All my life people joked I went off into my own little world and I would act my way out of situations like seeing someone I didn’t think I knew come up to me and ask me how I had been and calling me by name. It baffled me but I honestly thought everyone else had this issue, too.
Once in therapy when I started talking to him about how I thought everyone had voices, I think he clued in. I was confused and really wanting to present myself as a well-put-together person but I also realized I had to be honest with him and tell him how I think things worked. I felt odd at times, after therapy, because I knew that my alters had been out talking.
I think part of me was reaching out for help because of the turmoil that I had in my head.
How many alters appeared?
I knew I had quite a few, but no numbers were apparent until much later. I drew a picture both as an inpatient and outpatient in therapy (I still have it) and I was able to identify over 18 named personalities with many still without names for whatever reason. I joke about having over 18 people in one body but it’s probably not an accurate number.
Were you scared when this first happened? (if you can remember)
My fears came in when I was looking to my past. That really scared me. I also got scared often when I would lose time and blackout, because during that time I was hit with self-injury issues and suicidal ideations by an alter and that created even more of an issue in my life. I didn’t feel safe and I felt helpless and hopeless during that time. I didn’t only seem crazy but I felt crazy and during most of my life that feeling wasn’t around. I was trying so hard to be “normal” with my personalities acting like everyone else that I had no time to really heal up or figure out why I was “us” instead of “me”.
It’s hard to explain to someone that I had an alter that wanted to die and harm herself but I, personally, did not want this to happen. It’s a very figurative thing to try to imagine from afar. Even for me and I was part of it.
Did you seek help for MPD right away?
No, I had no idea I was different until I had the realization that I was losing time and acting differently when around certain people. This came after I married and it was more noticeable I think because he was with me so often and saw the changes. I think my parents spotted it but felt it was teen stuff, for a time. I never showed hurt or pain because the whole
purpose of splitting is to hide that and protect the system. I was protecting my system full-force until I felt I found someone I could trust, my husband at the time.
Congratulations on being medication free! Is it common for people with MPD to become medication free?
No, it’s not. I don’t feel it’s the patient that’s choosing that path as often as it should be. I feel doctors approach this as they would a patient with an organic brain disorder or a chemical imbalance and my BIG push with my blog is that this is manifested in a person as a protection, almost an instinctive thing after certain buttons in the mind are pushed, a self-defense mechanism. Not a drug could change someone’s past experience. When something bad happens, molestation or rape, cult activities, whatever it may be that triggered this in someone with MPD, a person does what they can to survive.
I find MPD to be the last option for some that seek survival in harsh situations at a young age. That is my most basic way to put it and it seems to cheapen the reasons behind why I am the way I am but I think it’s important to simplify it for people on the outside. Medication for acute situations is great but I don’t think that long-term it’s a good idea. I think therapy and working through things, relearning social skills, and other options are FAR better choices for treatment of this specific disorder.
Living with MPD must be challenge, how do you overcome it? (in addition to writing your blog)
The biggest way for me to cope is via my support system. I feel very bad that people in the world are not as blessed as I am with close family that care about them. I also depend on God in my life and my faith, but He’s part of my support system. That got me through most of the horrible times I felt hopeless–it gave me hope.
And, journaling on paper, sharing with others via forums, DBT courses in the past (Dialectical Behavior Therapy helped me learn or relearn some of my basic social skills that I missed as a child) and assorted coping mechanisms. I do still have medication that I take on an as-needed basis for acute problems like panic attacks. I use them maybe once every three
months, that makes me feel GREAT! I don’t feel I depend on medication to help me along, I depend on ME to help me along and that gives me confidence to live each day…a day at a time.
So there it is! I hope this gives you all some insight as well. I don’t mind answering questions about this, I really think it helps spur more ideas for me to write about to keep others informed that either live with this or live with someone they know that faces the same challenges.