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Battered And Bruised, But Still Beautiful!

  • Posted on February 27, 2008 at 6:40 pm

I try to explain to people about MPD often, because I feel it’s so misunderstood as a mental illness. I find it’s really more of a coping mechanism.

As an example, Schizophrenia is completely different, having characteristics that some compare to “split personality” (which is faulty) that includes hallucinations and delusions. Bipolar disorder is from a chemical imbalance and other factors and can be treated with a careful balance of medications. How do you treat Dissociation?

MPD is a survival skill in which the mind fragments, usually at a very young age, and it creates a way to escape horrible pain or despair.

My treatments were a mixture of things. I took medication during the really hard times, but mostly for side issues like panic attacks and blackouts (PTSD). The hospital visits kept me safe but in no way did they help me progress with treatment, they simply helped me stay well enough to enter the real world again and therapy.

Most of my visits set me back a bit, but not all of them. Truly the people I met while in the hospital helped me deal with my struggles more than any medication could have done.

Therapy got me talking about the deeper things and as I progressed through that, new things came out. I think this is typical though. That’s where you have to really pace yourself or have a therapist that can do that for you. Processing the memories is a huge step and once you learn your timing it will help you tons.

DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) helped me learn the basics and social skills that, during my inner turmoil as a child, I was unable to grasp and learn like my friends of the same age. All of these things combined helped me to find peace.

I try to recommend different treatment options to others that ask me because we’re all very different people and we have very different needs. That is the biggest issue with people seeking help…they feel so helpless to everything around them and this puts them in a position where they tend to not choose the BEST things for help but instead the FASTER ways for help.

The best advice I have is to take your time and work on refocusing yourself on healing, not being “fixed”. That is one mistake I made for a long time (and the people around me) that later in my treatment was a learned thing.

You are battered and bruised and need care but you might walk out with scars from the past. It doesn’t make you less beautiful or less of a person, it just reflects where you’ve been and you can work from that foundation, you really can. I have had to continually refocus on self-love during this time of trial and struggle. It has done more for me, and I no longer feel selfish for it.

There is a way to care about YOU and still share that care with those around you.

8 Comments on Battered And Bruised, But Still Beautiful!

Medications, When?

  • Posted on February 19, 2008 at 2:14 pm

I was talking to someone just the other day about how I’ve been medication free for over three years now. I told them that I felt that medication is pushed on so many with mental illness and it frustrates me.

But, I had to bring up the point that during a certain time in my therapy and treatment, medication saved me. It was very important that I take it, try new things to see if they worked, and trust my doctors to a point when they made changes. I wasn’t always happy with the combinations but I was certain to speak up if I wasn’t. That is a very important thing to do when getting treated.

You have to remember if it’s not working to speak up! Don’t feel like you’re “too crazy” or not in a place to voice your feelings with regards to your own health.  If I had given up all my rights to the hospitals and doctors that I came into contact with, I’d probably still be an in-patient.  That’s my opinion, of course, but I honestly feel that there are times you do have to take things into your own hands and take steps for YOURSELF and your own best interest.  It’s not selfish, although it might feel that way.

I think that’s a conflict for so many that have been victims.  They feel it’s selfish or they take the idea too far that they cannot help themselves because they aren’t capable.  Typically in abuse situations that’s what you’ve been told and you tend to let that seep into your future idea of yourself.  You have to stop allowing that control in your life at some point.  It’s hard.

I talk sometimes on my blog like things are really easy for me and I’ve got it all figured out–but you must realize that my road behind me was very hard and I realize on the road ahead I might encounter other hard times, but I have simply come to see that it makes me stronger to go through those times.  My desire to keep going is what makes me who I am and gives me the further desire to stay healthy for those that love me and care about me.  Mainly my children.

2 Comments on Medications, When?

Revisit, Three Years Now

  • Posted on February 14, 2008 at 12:54 pm

Not just two.  I’m proud of where I’ve come but I do need, each year, to revisit this day.  So I don’t forget.

What Valentine’s Day Means To Me (Part I, triggering)

What Valentine’s Day Means To Me (Part II, triggering)

And of course there’s more to the story but that’s what blog archives are for, right?  Just peek at the drop-down menu on the left and you can go back to stories, or be more specific with key words and use the search bar on the left for the same thing.  I try to tag all my entries (and I’m working to make them even more descriptive as time goes on) so things are easily found.

I feel strong yet reflective today.  I think that’s good.

Care to leave a comment?

Is It Ok If I Ask You…

  • Posted on February 12, 2008 at 6:16 pm

I get this question TONS!  “Is it okay if I ask you about your personalities?”

I’m sure that typically it makes the person asking me more uncomfortable than it makes me.  There are a few questions that are out of my scope of answering, because even I don’t know my whole system that well.  But, more often than not, if you ask me a question I’m not going to get offended or upset about it.  I will truly try to answer so that you can get more of an idea who I am.

To me, this is not unlike asking me what my favorite color is.  Or what food I enjoy eating.  You are only trying to figure me out a bit and you wonder, just like I might wonder about you, why I do the things I do…and if things you do bother me or trigger me.

In this same context though, you don’t ask a total stranger what their favorite food is right off, usually that comes with some conversation.  So some questions do take more time to get answers for but I try not to discourage others from asking.

If you know a multiple, don’t be so afraid to be interested in them and ask them questions.  The best thing to do is just…ask.  If they say they don’t want to discuss it, then you know that it’s probably a sensitive question but they know that at least you care enough to ask.

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Support System & Jobs

  • Posted on February 6, 2008 at 12:04 pm

How many times do I write out how valuable a support system is for someone with MPD…

It really can make a difference in your life if you find people that you can trust with your systems make-up.  This doesn’t mean exposing every intimate detail of how things work (after all, most of us, if not all, don’t know this ourselves) deep in your mind but it’s nice to have people close to you that can “clue in” when you’re feeling a few of your personalities out, and don’t really care to advertise this to strangers.

This has been my biggest issue in finding work outside the home.  The whole “what if they find out” is still a fear of mine.  Yes, I tell people fairly shamelessly that I have MPD and I’ve talked publicly about my diagnosis in the past, but being in a job situation is much different.

When faced with the idea of having to expose yourself to people that are in the workforce I tend to think it’s best not to be as forthright as you would in other situations.  I’m not saying that you need to wear the mask, I am saying the whole company doesn’t need to know.  Find out more about those you work with before letting them know your whole story, or some of it.

If you have a few close co-workers that know you sometimes have a hard time with specific things, or know what triggers you, or a boss that can tolerate having a bit of compassion, you are good to go.  This is hard to find but I found a video recently that was done by HBO about a police officer that had “outed” himself to his co-workers and carried his career very well, gaining many awards for his service and maintaining his life without integration.

I’m doing research myself because I might be faced with this very thing.  I’ve been working from home for so long and it’s felt so safe to do so, but sometimes life throws you curves that you don’t see coming, and you have to make changes.  I’ve grown my business very well and if it continues I won’t have to worry about this, but it’s always an option that I could be faced with…and I want to be ready.

4 Comments on Support System & Jobs

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