Living with MPD

I once was told, during therapy, that my system was not “functional” enough to work outside the home. I’m sorting through how that makes me feel now and I wonder what level of “function” I would be set at now. Is it enough to have a gauge so broad? I find that one week I can be 100% and the next week I can drop to a very low number. Many times, it’s physical pain that gets me down.

I have migraines quite often, that seem to hit during stressful periods. One such time of my life is around Halloween. I still function well but I get these horrid headaches that wear me down. I find myself getting less sleep and thinking more than usual. That is the case now as I suffer from a migraine that’s keeping me down a little, but not like it used to.

In the past, I would journal about my feelings and once I figured out why this time of year was more tender to my senses it all came together. I posted about my time in a hospital and the places I visited after on my blog. This time-frame matches the Halloween holiday perfectly, as I was just out of the hospital during this time and entered a “halfway house” in order to get back on my feet and return home. The hospital I had been in was far from home and I was unable to get back to my town quickly…so with some juggling, I ended up here.

I’ll tell my story again:

• The Half-Way House I
• The Half-Way House II
• The Half-Way House III
• The Half-Way House IV
• The Half-Way House V
• The Half-Way House VI

I look back now on these days and realize how strong I was, and how I was FAR more than halfway…it truly makes me proud to see how far I’ve come from those days. I am so accepting that this path I went down was necessary for me to get where I am today. I gain much confidence from looking at my ‘recent’ past, where if I look too far back, I get somewhat discouraged.

I’m working on that, though. My word to describe today is “resplendent”. Is that too bold?

I stopped over at RealMental.org and wanted to quickly quote moonflower here on my blog, with a link to the site, of course:

People with mental illness desire permission to speak their truth, to be accepted, and loved. We will get better. Once we begin to get better, we can pass it on. Passing it on will help ease the shame of those that will come after us.

By passing it on, someone will realize they do not have to live another day in bondage of shame and sorrow, and seek the help they need. We won’t have to hide in top secret locations or to write anonymously lest we be found out.

Our big secret is simply that we are trying to manage our mental illness with medications and other human support so we can get better.

What a wonderful statement for moonflower to make regarding mental illness…this truly envelops what I feel are very important steps that people today are making with the opinions about mental health.

We quickly admit when we have a cold or a physical sickness that we visited the Dr. and we’re on antibiotics, but how many of us would be as open with our visits to the therapist or support groups?

I don’t watch Scrubs. But some of you might. And if you do, you know who “Turk” is on the show, right? Well, when I was in New York about to go on the M & J Show I was back in the ‘green room’ getting my make-up and hair done. A few people were milling about, getting ready for the upcoming broadcast and amidst it all someone walked in. He looked familiar but I couldn’t place where I had seen him before.

I found out later it was Donald Faison (yeah, the star person that’s famous) and not until later did I find this out. Needless to say, I was oblivious to the fact that this person standing next to me in the green room was a star. I was also oblivious when I gently moved him out of my way to get to the coffee after my interview…

I’ve since had a few people ask me which hand I used to move him and could they touch it. Maybe this is one great thing about MPD. I don’t really get star-struck because I don’t always remember who people are and why they look familiar to me. I have had to, so often, pretend I know someone that walks up to me or pretend that I realize someone’s familiar for one reason or another and act my way out of it.

I wrote in the past about walking into grocery stores and having someone come up to me saying things like, “hey, Cat, great to see you!” and until that alter that KNOWS this person is present (and sometimes, that doesn’t happen) I have NO idea who the person is or where I met them. I quickly work to put the actress face on and figure it out, or just let it go and try to act normal.

I guess this is not such a bad way to live, really. I try to find the positive in things. I’ve always been told I’m generally an optimist. Is this just another way I do that?

I had a wonderful trip to New York. I wrote a few things on the plane while flying home and I thought I’d place them here in a post so I can share them with you all.

The show has a link to the video as well, so if you haven’t seen it yet, click here.

Another day passes and I find myself increasingly excited about all the changes that have surrounded me. Not only have I just returned from an exciting trip for my writing job, but I have also had a huge thing happen with my personal blog.

I was watching television when I saw that the Mike and Juliet Show on Fox would be featuring a woman with MPD. I was excited about seeing this and so I set the DVR to record the show as soon as I could. I had just returned from California the night before, after visiting the Leapfrog offices for the Techie Diva site. I was jet lagged and working to revive myself with some rest and coffee.

Gradually I made my way back to the bedroom and checked my email. I was met with a very surprising one marked URGENT and I immediately read the words “Mike and Juliet Show” followed by “participate in the show”…and I knew right then and there a HUGE door opened for me and my personal blog.

Apparently one of the producers was doing research on people with MPD because one of the show’s guests dropped out that was supposed to appear. They were looking for someone else to take their place and I was their next choice. They stumbled onto my blog and decided they would ask if I could participate in the show and be an example of someone living with MPD. I was all at once excited and afraid.

What an exposing opportunity for me and everyone else out there fighting dissociative disorders! I called the show to find out exactly what the content would be and I was immediately invited to head to the studios in New York. I rushed to pack again (after unpacking from my last trip) and worked to inform those around me (my support system and my two children) of the trip and the exciting idea that I might be on national television.

I joked that I was going to “represent the crazy people” and I packed up with confidence knowing this was my time to show the world that you CAN heal from very big traumas in life…and still function, live a good life and stay medication and hospital free. I do realize that this might be a highlight of my healing. I also realize that I might need active therapy again, or hospitalizations. My hope is that I will never need them again. I wanted everyone to see me and know that I’m working very hard to overcome my past and become a strong part of this world.

If I did one thing, it was to strengthen myself and gain a resolve to NOT be afraid to be “me” or “us”. I walked onto the show with such confidence and I will not soon forget the empowering feeling I got from being in New York and having an exciting conversation about how I live, day to day, with MPD.

I have so much more to share…but for now, just know, I’m glad that I have gained strength from the bad times, as well as the good, and that I’m able to push forward and overcome those very scary things I never knew I could face, much less hurdle over with such success.

Thank you Mike and Juliet for allowing me to be on the show and not only inform the general public a little more about MPD but also show those around me that I can live my life with optimism! And, thank you to all the people in my “support system” (you know who you are) that keep my chin up and constantly build me up to be a better person and give me confidence so that I can do these things.

So, there you have it. I was unable to rest on the plane at the time so I started hacking out some words to share on my blog upon my return home. I’m super excited that I got an opportunity to share just a fraction of my story.

Anyone with MPD knows that it’s not fun and games. There are good and bad times that you go through, but I also hold to the idea that if my mind came up with such a successful way to survive (I survived!) then why can’t I harness that ability and work to make it a healthier way to continue to survive? WE will continue to work together on this and, of course, work to write about it all here on our blog.

Well, on short notice I’m taking a flight to New York today to be interviewed for the Mike & Juliet Show tomorrow morning.  I am certain I will have much to write about upon my return, but for now, I will leave you with a link to the show times so that you can see the interview.

The show will feature a segment about MPD and I hope to represent my life as best I can and let others know that you CAN live with a “disorder” and function through life, even with struggles.  Wish me luck (or should I say “us”)!