I still fight panic attacks at times. I can be somewhere in a very normal situation and still have a horrid feeling that makes me want to flee the area for no reason at all. Most recently I was able to really tap into my thought process during an attack.
I was standing in a public area with people speaking. Someone was saying something out loud and tripped over their own speech which caused someone else to stop, pause, and then talk. For a split second I felt, deep inside, that I had missed some time.
Why would this panic me? I had severe PTSD moments when I was actively cutting (self-injury) and during those times I would black out and “lose time” and not know what happened. I would find myself in a closet or bedroom, hiding. I would then look down and realize I had cut, but have no recall of the actual incident. This is all in the past but it’s so very real to me even now.
But, back to the panic. Since this little moment of time was stuttering and others didn’t seem to notice…they just kept talking, I think my brain felt a horrible feeling of, “oh no, here we go again”. To help myself, I leaned over and asked the person next to me, who happened to be my mother, “hey, did he just mess up what he was saying?” and she nodded. In those little moments that I was freaking out, I was able to process the fear, ask someone for help in a way, and then release the fears and realize that it wasn’t what I thought.
I wonder now how many of us out there with MPD or PTSD symptoms, fight the little moments that make us feel “crazy”–and don’t realize that it was situational. I’m seeing more and more that the harder I work at processing my feelings and emotions ‘in the moment’ the better my outcome. I’m very excited that I’ve been able to overcome things like this and not allow the past to intrude as much. It doesn’t always work this smooth but every little bit helps!
Sounds like an excellent title for a post but this one’s taken. It’s the title of a book by Indu Sundaresan and I’m extremely excited that I had the opportunity to read it recently. I have taken to relaxing with a book for a few days a week and while waiting in my car for my children to be released from school. It has opened up new worlds to me, yet again, like reading always does.
The Splendor of Silence evoked in me such imaginings you cannot believe. The verbiage used throughout allows the reader to see so much detail and beauty in things never thought possible. It truly was written with those out there that have active imaginations! Not only is the author an incredible storyteller with expert weavings of emotion, but she includes data and history with such elegance that you are drawn in and learning of a culture you might not have ever been interested in before.
Not with confusion or baffling, not this writer, she throws words into the story that you find described in such context that you can envision scenes with precise details. I really enjoyed this book, and the story of a 21 year old that finds, after her dad passes away, a trunk that was sent to her as a gift…full of things magical and mysterious. She reads letters and pours over history and finds things out about her always asked question that was never answered, things about her mother.
Going through a divorce is bad enough, but relocating is quite a hurdle for me as well. I’m back in the area I think I secretly tried to run from. A state I grew up in, suffered abuse in, was scarred deeply in…and yet I still have such a strong feeling that all that I went through was to prepare me for these days I have ahead of me.
I can’t say it was a horrid place to be either. I have fond memories of my childhood and the wonderful family I shared that with. I’m back here and I’m trying so hard to squeeze the good memories out so that the bad ones can just fade away some.
I have fought days where all I can think about is hiking in the woods, feeling a cool breeze on my face and listening to the rivers I pass. I have had days where I yearn to be outside watching hummingbirds drink up the sugar while seeing a backdrop of the mountains still covered with the last seasons’ snow. I have closed my eyes the past few days to imagine the magical color change of the trees from lush green to yellows and oranges.
I know that I can “always go back there someday” because that’s all I’ve been hearing for months. I’ve also realized I can use these pictures in my head to cope with daily struggles. In DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) classes I learned visualization techniques and I would visualize specific images that were calming to me (snow falling, for instance) and be able to process some of my flashbacks a little easier than if I had just done it head-on.
I’m working now to affix special images in my head of Colorado that were special to me and use them for the same purpose. When I’m feeling stressed or overwhelmed, I’m able to tap into those images (I took tons of digital photography while there) in my mind and work through the issues a little easier. This has helped me recently to focus on what I have to get done in order to reach my goals.
What images would you choose if you were seeking a calm feeling? I’m sure we all have different things that keep us leveled off. Do you use a same or similar technique or something entirely different?
Getting ready for the season change used to be so much fun for me when I lived in Colorado. We would start gearing up for the snow to fall and shop for things like snowboards and skis. I visited a site with burton snowboards and hiking clothes all over it and it just made me want to plan a vacation! It’s so easy to shop a site like this that’s organized and clean.
It looks like they even have a ‘clearance’ link here to cater to those that like to stock up for the passing summer season. I think I could find quite a few items to order but unfortunately, I can’t use them here in Texas unless someone is planning to send me lots of snow. I joked in June when it rained tons during our arrival back that it was me trying to bring some snow with me from Colorado and it was just melting because it was so hot here.
I’m unsure when I’ll get to visit my favorite place again but I already have visions of ski trips in my head. I’m going to hang onto those for a while to stay cool.
Now that I’m in a different situation, I’m looking at the best options for me to work. I can get into some office environment again, like I did during my 20′s. I can step into a light job and work my way up or try for a higher position and challenge myself.
I keep thinking the ultimate position would be one that would allow me to be at home a few days a week, and at the office a few days a week. This would allow me to balance out the many things my children are involved in without me getting too cozy with a home office and not socializing. It’s so hard to see what will come my way.
I’ve already had a few job offers but couldn’t take them due to my impending surgery. Now that it’s out of the way, I’m quite impatient with my healing. I have been doing WAY too much lately and I’m only 3 weeks out. I’ve slowed down today some so that I can not feel so overwhelmed. It helped and I’ll be back to doing too much tomorrow but I can plan to take care of myself when needed.
I’m trying hard to do this but with my independence it’s hard to slow down and let others do for me. I just want to get out and be ME! I have realized when I do too much I get switchy. My younger alters tend to “peek out” some and I don’t feel very comfortable having that happen for some reason. Maybe it’s because I’m living at home again or maybe I just don’t feel anyone close to me really “gets it”. I don’t know.
I do know that I’ve overcome so much in the past years, this will be overcome by me too. I have faith in myself there. I just get impatient.