Living with MPD

I am living in Texas again. I’m not sure yet how I feel about that. I came down here to think a bit and lo’ and behold I’m staying.

I would go into a long story about it but I don’t feel secure enough here on my blog to do that. Basically, though, it looks like I’m going to be here, finding a job and a new place to live. There’s nothing fun about that! I am in a situation where I’m separated from my husband and it looks like we’re putting an end to the marriage we have had for over 11 years. Yeah, I’m not using the ‘d’ word because I’ve heard it enough and I know what it means…you probably do too.

I want so badly to write all my feelings down but I recently found out some of his family reads or has seen portions of my blog. What does someone do in that situation? Do you shut down and not journal/blog or do you relocate? Do you realize that it’s not a big deal and anything you write here could be read by everyone so you just close down a little? Do you just write your heart out and not care who reads it?

I have so many things going through my head right now. I have so many blog friends that I’ve neglected to read and keep in touch with during a time of my life it would have been nice to have some support. I tend to do that. When things around me begin to crumble I don’t want to put anyone “out” or talk too much about my life. I curl up with my own feelings for a while and try to process them and that doesn’t always do me good.

I realize now that I’ve reached out for support that it’s incredibly important to have people around you that you can talk to. It’s an incredible feeling to know that you can get support when you feel so helpless. In the past I would shove my feelings down and not talk about them and now…now I cry and talk and process. I’ve come so far! My family is very supportive and telling me to keep my chin up. My husband and I are talking through things but I keep hearing that there’s no way to work this out so I’m coming to terms with that now.

I realized that this process is much like losing someone in your life. You are at first shocked and you don’t know how you can EVER keep going. Then you mourn the death of something you loved and needed. Then you slowly start processing the memories and how happy or sad they were. Then you realize you need to look to the future and you start visualizing options. So many stages and I’m not sure where I am right now but I do know that I’m not going to stuff my feelings down anymore. I’m going to talk about them and reach out–because that’s what friends are for.

So if it doesn’t trouble you too much, I could use that support and I’m reaching out for it.

In just a breath your life can change.  Is it so wrong for a person to have a blog and write words to help others?  Is it wrong to represent themselves as someone imperfect and someone that needs to heal?  I think not.

I don’t run from my problems.  I do seek support from others and in that I have had things change in my life.  Many will judge me and take things with them in life about me.  They will assume things and sit there with their thoughts.

All I can do is trust that God has a path for me and that in all that I will find the journey He meant for me to find.  I have had to put my trust in God so much more in the past months.  Seeing things before me that I could not control and I could not fix made me feel helpless.  Nobody could ever know the feelings I had to sort through in order to find answers.

Some read this blog and realize that I was a hurting person in those days and that the things I did were from that hurt and lack of respect that those I thought loved me, gave me.  Some read it and learn from it that you can heal and although problems in life will come at you, you can gain the strength to carry on.  Some might not even read it…and choose to visit other pages that don’t explain the whole story.  But either way you look at it, I felt I could help in some way and I will continue to work to help others with this issue and with life where I can on this blog.

What more can you do?

Yes, I’ve been a bit lost lately but not in a horrible way.  I have had health issues that have kept me down.  We also have had some issues in our family to deal with that have kept emotions going up and down.

We got news this morning that someone very special in our lives has passed on to God.  Our uncle David, who was a big influence in our move to Colorado, fought cancer three times and he reached his time early this morning.  We’re thankful his fight with pain is over and that he’s now in a peaceful place but we do miss him so much.  I’m more worried about my aunt Lori and how she is dealing with it.  They were married for 34 years and I know she loved him so very much.

I’ll leave my other chatter for my next post.  And yes, I plan on making more posts to my blog.  I just needed time to deal with all that was around me.  I thank all my blog friends that have contacted me to check on me.  I’m glad you kept in touch.  It means a lot!