Living with MPD

Yeah, it’s not the usual ~love and light~ day for me. No way. It has been two years since I last cut. Two years ago, Valentine’s Day of 2005 I had my last self-injury experience.

As you can imagine I carry a ton of guilt for that. I have guilt because a day that is supposed to be full of love was full of strife instead. Everyone in my family was affected by it and it was “all my fault”. Now, I know I’m not supposed to live with this guilt forever and I have apologized to those around me about the timing but it does affect me.

Today is not a good day. You may have noticed that lately on my blog it has been a bit of a downer. I have to get this stuff out of my head though.

I remember parts of it…

I was having a very confusing day. I slept most of the day and found myself in my bedroom closet at around 4pm. My hands had blood on them and I inspected the cuts on the tops of them. They did not look good and I had cuts on top of healing cuts. I had been in the hospital a few months before and something…something was trying to come out of my head as a memory and I didn’t want to have anything to do with it.

That’s probably why I’m here in the closet with cuts on my hands. I began to cry and I heard my husband arriving home. I met him in the kitchen with a look on my face that he knew. I was scared and hurt and feeling horrible for cutting. I didn’t remember cutting. I blacked out again. Why can’t I control this?

I remembered my therapist suggesting that if I continued to cut that maybe I should move out of the house. I had an appointment with her set for today. I wonder if the stories we were discussing, the memories, were causing me to push myself hard and have these PTSD blackouts. What would I do? Who could help me?

(more to come)