Living with MPD

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1. I’m worth more than I think I’m worth.
2. Those abusers are no longer a threat in my life.

I continue to FEEL the need to protect myself even while healing. I guess, in some ways, it’s acceptable that I do keep my guard up and protect everyone in my head during the healing phase. I also realize that, in order to fully heal, I have to KNOW that I’m no longer under threat of abuse and learn that I’m priceless…and that my life is worth living. It’s a very fine line and a hard trade-off.

I’m feeling extremely switchy today. Switchy, meaning, that I have more than one personality surfacing or I have personalities that are fighting for time “out”. I’m not sure if that is due to my physical pain that I’m fighting, making me feel weak and therefore wanting to use defense mechanisms to make up for that or if the switching is due to some soul searching I have done lately with my friend living here.

She has had issues in her past and we’ve discussed, in depth, some of what goes on in my mind. It has been healthy and good but does throw me for a loop. Just like when I would be in therapy and it would really wear me out for a few days afterwards.

I’ll have to tell you more about “Sam”, my therapist, soon. But for now, I think I’ll go take a nap (another defense mechanism of mine is to sleep a lot but I have it under control now so that I “allow” myself time to nap if I need it…this can also be due to the fact that I have “littles” out and they get tired more easily than “adult” personalities).

So there it is–exposed!

I only hope that what I write about here in my blog helps someone else deal with the truth of their past and how they handle it now, in the present. That way, someone might have a brighter future by standing up to their fears.

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The guy had his electric and other utilities shut off. He got mad and the Jeep was in his ex-wife’s name but he decided to take it to Kansas with him. He went to her house (he had left it a bit ago and it was on record that after a domestic dispute he left willingly) and took the Jeep but during the “taking” of said Jeep he assaulted his ex-wife. She called the police.

As he went down the highway, he noticed a police car turn around so he took a back road. (NOT A GOOD IDEA IN A MOUNTAIN TOWN)

This “back road” led him to a huge circle. You see, if you go off the highway and drive…drive…drive…you will hit the mountains that surround the city and the roads end WAY before that. Most roads here are big circles. One leading to the other and the other leading to the highway.

This clown drove the Jeep down one and it circled back to the highway. I live just off the backside of the circle.

I heard on the scanner that he was heading toward the highway and they were able to stop him with other vehicles. They were shutting the highway off just in case…to avoid any accidents…but they were able to stop him in front of the airport. How do I know?

I had to go pick up the boys. After I knew he was stopped, I left the house feeling safe.

I think it would be good to buy a scanner so that I do not end up where I would have tonight. I would have been in front of this stuff and he was going 50mph down mountain roads that require 25-35mph limits. I would have had this in my rearview mirror on the way to pick up the boys.

I’m thankful my friend called me when she did!

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I appreciated that but I’m seriously strange when it comes to my meds. I knew each one, each mg. and dose and WHY I was on it before I would take a pill…so much so they were impressed when I explained on medication to them that they had no idea about.

I am now medication free but I still do some of the therapies that they taught me there. I remember it was snowing a few of the nights and I would journal while all decked out in coat and scarf, out in the snow. I’m telling you…for me, that was incredible therapy.

I learned about “mindfulness” while in DBT classes (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and it did me a world of good to use the snow falling as part of the meditative practice of mindfulness. I’ve been discussing my past with a friend lately and it’s bringing LOTS of new memories to surface. Nothing traumatizing but more therapeutic this time.

Thanks, again, for reading and keeping up with my”selves” as I blog. It means TONS to get such support about my daughter and my recent landlord experience. I’ll be doing return visits again (I slacked due to the move) now that my computer is set up where I need it to be to be more productive.

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