Dear Day-program Girl:
I know that you had so much to sort through while in the hospital and I couldn’t imagine why they encouraged you to go into the day program. I remember you were going through so many issues including discovering your sexuality and you had many confusing things surrounding that. I also know that in group therapy you weren’t always received well. It wasn’t because you were emotional or your issues didn’t matter. I think that ‘cliques’ formed when I wasn’t looking (I was new then) and you seemed left out in the cold.
I might be reading way too much into this but I really felt you were needy and in that needy state you were BEGGING for some help through your words. I remember watching you as you would act as tough as you could during groups. You wouldn’t cry or shed a tear and I knew what that meant. I knew because that’s how I was when I first went in. I wore the mask well and you were doing the same.
I also remember the day that you didn’t show up. When someone didn’t show up without a good reason, everyone would worry a bit. I remember in the smoking room your name coming up and later a ‘special meeting’ to let us know that you were in the hospital. We all knew why but they wouldn’t confirm it. You tried to commit suicide.
I heard you were unable to speak and they had you on machines to keep you alive. The other day patients would visit you and check up and tell the “insiders” that couldn’t leave what was going on–because the staff was being secretive. I also remember being told that you were possibly dying and that you might have been successful in your attempt but they still did not know.
I left the hospital without knowing if you lived or died. I wonder sometimes if you’re out there, working hard to heal. I wonder at other times if you left this world and all the trying times behind. I hope that you found peace, however hard it might be for me to say that. I do hope that you found it. I also wonder if I’ll ever know.
Praying you found the peace you sought-
Cat
Wow. I can’t even wrap my head around what you went through and what you have seen. I hope you have found your peace also.
It makes you think…
I can’t begin to imagine how an experience like that can haunt you. I also wish you peace.
Such a kind and generous post. Lives touch, then move apart, yet something of that contact always remains. x
Awesome post!
I like your post very much. Not the subject so much, but the voice is great. My brother has tried to kill himself. It’s not easy to deal with. It fills me with melancholy when I dwell on it.
wow. you gave me goosebumps. and mad me somewhat sad. that’s a compliment.
Thank you so much for reading my story. These “open letters” really mean a lot to me and I enjoy the comraderie and outlooks after writing them. It’s good, honestly, to just get them out of my head and somewhere else.
Enjoyed the comments.
I love your open letters Cat. They give such a glimpse into a world I’ve never seen and do so with such heart and compassion.