I thought I’d outline how most of my first therapy sessions went. I try really hard to remember them accurately and it’s hard to put my finger on specifics in most cases. You see, after my last most serious hospital visit, I came out as the “gatekeeper” personality. Before that I had another role and someone else was more ‘out front’ than I ever had experience to be. I have been called Cat for a very long time but my family always knew me as another name. So did many I worked with in the corporate world back in the early 90′s.
Many have issues with accepting that my name is Cat. I have it on my license, my credit cards, other forms of ID. Usually it’s the bank when I go to cash a check at someone else’s. “Can I see a second form of ID please?” Or, it’s the hostess at a restaurant. No, it’s not my birthname but I can only safely allow my close family to call me by that because it is extremely triggering. Even today when I hear my husband use that name I get bad feelings in my head. I honestly HATE times like Thanksgiving and the upcoming July 4th because so much of the time I’m called by that “other name”.
I hate this because, well, my dad named me and it’s very special to him that he picked that name before I was born. It hurts me because I don’t want him thinking it’s the name itself…I just think at this point it has SO much power over me. I will certainly work that out someday but in all my abuse memories there’s that one element of cohesion and that’s that two of my abusers used my name specifically during the abuse. It makes me cringe because, to this day, I can hear them saying it with such forcefulness.
I want so badly to cast off the feeling that it’s the name and not the abuser…but I’m not past that yet. I’m just not ready
yet. Besides, when I tell someone my birthname they usually balk and say I look nothing like that name…I definitely need to stick with Cat. I give names so much power. I’ve got to change that.
I’m sure in my writings you will see evidence of other alters come out. I’m getting more and more used to the idea of sharing some of their postings. It’s scary to let that side of me out because all too often it’s seen as ‘crazy’ or ‘weird’ and for so long I’ve had control over everything that goes into this blog. I have alters that would share poetry, however dark, and I feel it’s time I allow that some.
If you stop by and you’re a regular reader, and you see something posted that’s so out of touch with the Cat that you know…just realize it’s part of me still. Every single personality in my head is a part of me and keeps me going. Every single one has helped me to survive the horrid memories that come back to me gradually as I find my comfort zones in life.
I can’t settle in just yet…I have to stay strong.
I have no problem with Cat as your name. It fits you to a T. My nic name is Bug and when I hear people say my actual name it almost sounds foreign to me.
I was really moved when I read this post. I could feel your emotions. I wish you peace Cat. Total peace.
i changed my name legally because i couldnt stand to hear it. i was/am triggered every time i hear that name. the name itself is beautiful but the history is ugly and demeaning. i connect fear, shame, humiliation and pain with that name..why wouldnt I though..i mean, it’s what they called me and if that is what they called me and i’m running from all of that why would i not also run from that name? i want to cast off the past as much as possible. you know, when we hear the old name we also hear the old messages. it is easier to move forward when there are fewer triggers. we changed our name to something we could stand to hear and that has been a very positive thing for us.
i just wanted to add that.
smiles to you and yours,
Austin of Sundrip Journals
Hang in there cat. I feel for you. I also know how you are feeling about the name.
I just love reading your posts. Sometimes I feel like a voyeur peeking in on something that I shouldn’t, and I realize that you put it out there for people to look at and read. It’s so damn fascinating to me.
Hey Cat,
Figured I might as well come by and give you some free credits. LOL. You and I had never battled. I said what the heck…
You stay up, and keep fighting the fight.
One love.
I, too, wish you total peace my friend. Whichever personality comes thru, you make so many feel, and that is a talent that not many have.
Ditto what Jade said. You are talented and we learn from your writing what we need to learn.
I like the name Cat. It’s a perfect match. I can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would have a problem with it.
~Hugs~ Would changing your legal name perhaps take the power away from your birth name?
I find your blog fascinating. I can’t imagine want it must be like for you to live with multiple personalities.
As for the name thing, no matter what you do someone is going to have a problem with it. Might as well not worry about it.
Judge a tree from its fruit, not from its leaves.
Judge a person from their personality, not from their name…
I know. I just made that up.
Hi Cat!! Loved this post. Very good reading and very interesting. I look forward to coming back another day.
Hey Cat,just curious do you have
long fingernails?
Hey sweetie. I don’t suffer from MPD, but I do ‘suffer’ from a past and past hurt. I changed my last name from my dad’s name to my mom’s maiden name. I love hearing it, I love saying it and it is foreign to me to think of the old name.
While few are diagnosed with MPD I think it is safe to say we all ‘use’ different personalities all the time. I know it is totally different than what you are going through, but I’m definitely one way at work, another way with friends, and another way with family. Maybe I’m wrong and other people don’t do this. I guess I’m saying that I will never you’re crazy or weird or anything else because you have a diagnosis. You are you, no matter how many are in there and which one is posting at what time. You know we love you!!
God bless and keep these posts coming. I too feel like a voyeur but I know you won’t post anything you don’t want us to read.
Love you!!
~Mary HORN!!!!!
LMAO… you’re just begging for the whip aren’t-cha!? Mhaahahahahahahaha
Good luck, I’ll keep you in my thoughts. I can understand the power of name. Good for you for using the one that gives YOU power, not the abusers.
Hey Cat, I mentioned you in my current post on MTMD…check it out!
Another fascinating post!
I tried to comment to everyone here…so glad you visited and hope that you find the responses.
I’ve never been sure, when I comment in-line like I do, if you get notification via the comment setup.
Could someone let me know? I know THIS post will trigger the subscription but do any of my other edits?