Living with MPD

Dear Bulemic Nutritionist:

I often wondered, in group therapy, what you did before you entered the hospital.  The nurses would bring you copious amounts of Ensure and you would always try to refuse.  I, incidentally, was given the drinks to keep vitamins in my system after a stint of ‘forgetting’ to eat for three days.  Only out of pure depression did my issue arise.  I had heard that you would eat very little but you also had a habit of visiting the bathroom quickly after a meal.

I saw how hard the hospital had to work to keep you fed.  You were good about drinking water and staying hydrated.  You LOVED to exercise…so much so that the staff would make you get off the exercise bike.  I had my family bring me steak and potatos during my stay there.  I often wondered if you had a favorite food.  I think food, in general, was your enemy.  Was it your way of fighting back after the abuse?  Was it your only way to gain control?

I think so.  I know that must have given you some kind of control over a situation you felt you could no longer control.  I have to tell you, when I found out you were a nutritionist it really surprised me!  I kept thinking "she knows better, then" but I also knew that in your strife it didn’t matter what you knew, you were reacting.

I’ll never forget the day you tried to escape!  I had my husband in the ward eating dinner with me and visiting.  He was just about to leave and they had you on a day program.  You were signing out and they informed you that you were going off the day program due to concerns about your love of not eating.  They wanted to monitor you again–and you would have none of it.  You tried to sneak out the door as others were going but the nurse talked to you calmly and had an orderly behind you, without your knowledge.  You were slowly killing yourself and they knew it.  You fought…man you fought so hard!  My husband wondered what your issue was at the time and why you were trying to leave.  I knew.  You wanted to die.

They wrestled you to the ground quite well.  You exercised enough and you weren’t easy to take down.  They used Haldol on you as quickly as possible and then you were strapped to a gurney.  I was shocked.  All my littles inside screamed out of fear for you and worried that if something happened they would do that to us, too!  I knew better.  I knew your issue was different in many ways but I was still worried for you.

I remember you shared very little in group.  You would go to therapy and then return with your ice water.  You participated enough…it wasn’t that you were secluded in any way.  It just seemed you had nothing more to live for.  Even your teeth were going bad after all the purging you had done and the lack of vitamins you allowed into your system.  I was so sad for you but had no idea how to help.  I was powerless and only able to watch you try, day after day, to kill yourself in front of me.

I never realized how blatant your disease was until then.  I have to thank you though.  You opened my eyes so that I was able to help several others that wanted to take your journey and follow that path of suicide…slow suicide.  I will never forget your fight and the look in your eyes.  You just wanted to die and you had no other way to accomplish your desires.  I hope they kept you alive.  You really had much to live for.  I remember the fantasy you had of someday becoming that nutritionist that you had gone to school to be.  I wonder if you ever did.  You would certainly have a story to tell!

I doubt you’d ever tell it like I have here though.  I wonder how much you remember.  Did you have a destructive personality in your system or were you just dissociating from life altogether?  I never saw you switch but you certainly dissociated from things.  I have to thank you again though–really–for helping me realize just how important food is for my body.  For helping me realize that others might get as desperate as you and choose a slow death instead of a quick one.

Praying that you are full in more ways than one -

Cat