I thought I’d outline how most of my first therapy sessions went. I try really hard to remember them accurately and it’s hard to put my finger on specifics in most cases. You see, after my last most serious hospital visit, I came out as the “gatekeeper” personality. Before that I had another role and someone else was more ‘out front’ than I ever had experience to be. I have been called Cat for a very long time but my family always knew me as another name. So did many I worked with in the corporate world back in the early 90’s.
Many have issues with accepting that my name is Cat. I have it on my license, my credit cards, other forms of ID. Usually it’s the bank when I go to cash a check at someone else’s. “Can I see a second form of ID please?” Or, it’s the hostess at a restaurant. No, it’s not my birthname but I can only safely allow my close family to call me by that because it is extremely triggering. Even today when I hear my husband use that name I get bad feelings in my head. I honestly HATE times like Thanksgiving and the upcoming July 4th because so much of the time I’m called by that “other name”.
I hate this because, well, my dad named me and it’s very special to him that he picked that name before I was born. It hurts me because I don’t want him thinking it’s the name itself…I just think at this point it has SO much power over me. I will certainly work that out someday but in all my abuse memories there’s that one element of cohesion and that’s that two of my abusers used my name specifically during the abuse. It makes me cringe because, to this day, I can hear them saying it with such forcefulness.
I want so badly to cast off the feeling that it’s the name and not the abuser…but I’m not past that yet. I’m just not ready
yet. Besides, when I tell someone my birthname they usually balk and say I look nothing like that name…I definitely need to stick with Cat. I give names so much power. I’ve got to change that.
I’m sure in my writings you will see evidence of other alters come out. I’m getting more and more used to the idea of sharing some of their postings. It’s scary to let that side of me out because all too often it’s seen as ‘crazy’ or ‘weird’ and for so long I’ve had control over everything that goes into this blog. I have alters that would share poetry, however dark, and I feel it’s time I allow that some.
If you stop by and you’re a regular reader, and you see something posted that’s so out of touch with the Cat that you know…just realize it’s part of me still. Every single personality in my head is a part of me and keeps me going. Every single one has helped me to survive the horrid memories that come back to me gradually as I find my comfort zones in life.
I can’t settle in just yet…I have to stay strong.
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As I mentioned in this post, I have been invited to review coffee from Boca Java. I received my package in the mail this week and it contained 6 blogger’s blends cofees (8 oz. of each, how generous!), a hat and a coffee cup…
This is the second installment of reviews.
I started by grinding the coffee, since I requested whole bean for my order. This time I did a medium grind. I chose New Media Mavericks which says:
Unfiltered Truth.
Lead the information reformation with this medium roast from the prized Tarrazu region of Costa Rica. With excellent body and robust richness.
Now to see if it lives up to it’s creative tagline! I tried two different methods to review the coffee. Once again, I drank the first cup black and hot and then I tried it with soy creamer and sugar. Both were very different in that the black and hot was not my favorite. I used sugar and soy creamer for the second round and it was very smooth and tasted much better. This one had a very filtered taste to it and I tend to go for a bolder bite with my coffee. Some would probably really enjoy this one…it’s definitely not my favorite but also not something I won’t drink again.
Seems like I was right. This gourmet coffee is fabulous and I cannot wait to try one of the other blends and review it here. Take a peek at the site for Boca Java and look at their now included teas, too. I’m a big fan of hot tea. The “Blogger’s Fuel” is one way to get to the main Boca Java site. Go explore!
I wonder which she’d drink…tea or coffee? Why don’t you go ask? I’d really like to know…
I have been tagged by Scottage, and so here we go. In this meme, I am supposed to name some of life’s simple pleasures that I like the most:
- Sunrises & Sunsets – How many photos does one take of a sunrise or sunset before tiring of the vast differences in views, colors, depth and beauty. I could never tire of the pleasure that I get from seeing the sunrise or sunset at any place I have visited or lived.
- My Children – Of course at times they are less simple but overall the simple pleasure of a smile, a hug or a caring word.
- A Blink from Mark – Mark and I have always had our secret ‘wink’ or ‘both eyes blinking’ look that means “I love you”. Unspoken and so important.
- Snow – Incredible the changes that it goes through even as it falls. I am like a little kid when it snows.
- Tea – I’ve become quite fond of a Chai with soy in the mornings.
- Hot Springs – Amazing feelings come from within when I’m able to take time to sit and relax in natural hot springs.
- Hiking – The walk is sometimes hard. The talks are sometimes long. The time spent is always a simple pleasure for me.
- My Computer – It has brought me simple pleasures by giving me a newfound way to journal and make long-term friendships–even from afar.
- The Wind – It speaks to me when it runs through the pines. I find so much peace outside.
- The Mountains – When I leave this area I cry. I absolutely love my mountains and the views change each and every day. I am thankful and blessed and they are my simple pleasure in life to view them and thank God I am where I am.
OK, that was actually enjoyable. Now to tag a few people
in case they want to join in.
SunKingPoet +
Trica
Baby girl w/ Seizures:
We met in such an easy manner. Again, you were one of the adults that would visit the smoking room. I remember when you’d get extremely stressed out and visit more and more often. I also remember when we had a group session and something extremely triggering came out…you began to have a seizure. They called them pseudoseizures at the time and I had no idea what that meant. Later, after leaving the hospital, I did some research because of that experience.
pseudoseizure (pseu·do·sei·zure) (sooâ€do-se´zhÉ™r) an attack resembling an epileptic seizure but having purely psychological causes; it lacks the electroencephalographic characteristics of epilepsy and the patient may be able to stop it by an act of will. Called also pseudoepilepsy.
I realized later that there must’ve been 4 patients there during the time I visited that had these. Out of those 4 only one had seizure medications given to them (we all talked about meds. and which ones we were taking). I still cannot believe that something so horrid happened to you to create both personalities and this aflliction you fought.
Not days after we met I got to meet one of your alters. She was just a child and you would flip into her quickly. I remember when the nurse (that had no idea how to treat an MPD patient) that came in new to take the place of another came on…and you had a small issue that turned HUGE because of her lack of sensitivity to your issue…that you immediately went into a baby mode.
At that time I knew that people with MPD had alters that were very young. I, myself, had only uncovered alters as young as 5 but I had heard of alters that were babies. I had never experienced it until you switched and cried and cried like one. Your actions were so closely mended with how I knew you felt deep inside it hurt to watch you.
I also remember the day you had a very hard therapy assignment. You were to write a letter to you mother. Here you were, close to 40 years old, and you still had not addressed your abusers–your parents. I saw so much strength in you during those times but then you would go to write that letter and self-harm…beating your head on the table. I wished so much I could’ve given you more than just encouragement. I wished I could’ve written that letter for you and taken away all the pain.
I knew I couldn’t. I saw you leave the day you were released and heading to a shelter. You had no home. You could not go to your parents for fear of being abused again, over and over. I worried so much about you and when you walked out the door I knew, in my heart, that you would return. I missed you and never saw you again. I can only hope you continue to survive.
Praying you found a true home and a safe place-
Cat
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On Mondays I’ve been doing a ‘click and comment ‘ day on my own. I post this to remind you how important it is to comment on other blogs. It truly DOES increase your readership and you most often gain regulars that will visit your blog day after day.
What I encourage is for you to click my renter. Then, you comment on her blog and click her renter. Then you comment on that blog and click their renter. Do this for as many blogs as you can. Sometimes they go full circle, if I can’t find a renter or end up at a blog I’ve already commented on, I simply look up a blog in their blogroll and start the cycle again.
So, let’s get started! Visit and then comment and then visit her renter.
I really encourage you to do this at least to 5 comments if you have ANY time at all. It will give you the joy of sharing a few of your opinions on posts and bring you future readers.
Thanks and enjoy Click & Comment Day!
Are you posting Click & Comment on your blog? Add your name to the list with a link to your blog and I’ll come visit. If you do this you not only gain links but new blog-friends as well.
Enjoy! I’m going to try to do this each Monday. Why not start your week off right?
(want to add Click & Comment to YOUR blog? )
PLEASE only add your link if you have a C&C on your blog or plan to do this today. Don’t just spam your site here. THANKS!
