Most people think that because I have MPD that I must have had a horrible childhood. Not so. Let me give you some background here.
Both of my parents are very loving and have been married only to each other since their 20′s. They had my brother first and three years later I was born. I was raised in a very good Christian home with my mom being a stay at home mom who was active in things like PTA, Cheerleader sponsor, Girl Scout leader, etc. I was involved in many sports and activities and was never shut down or hidden in some dark room. My brother was my best friend and we continue to stay close.
My parents were not overly protective but they also weren’t letting us fly alone in life. Both of them were very level headed and fair. How then, did I become so messed up in the head?
It was an outsider. It was a big secret. No matter how hard my parents tried to keep me safe…someone got in. No matter how much they loved me, someone made it into my little circle and abused me.
This makes me fear for all the children out there–not just the ones that you feel are more “at risk”–but each and every one of them. If my parents were doing it right, how did I slip through the cracks? My mother, when she found out that something horrible happened to me, worried that it was her fault. I had to assure her that there was obviously nothing she could’ve done, apart from hiding me from the world to not experience it, to change things. I can only imagine the hurt that put her through to know that her “little girl” had something happen to break her mind up. She visited me in the hospital and we talked so openly and honestly that day. I won’t ever forget it. That was the day I realized I could be myself, really be myself, around her and not worry that she’d lose any love for me. That’s a good feeling.
How many of us long to be accepted as we are and not wear the mask of happiness anymore? How many out there feel they are stuck in some strange world they don’t belong in? I know I did for so long. I can’t say I don’t slip into that otherworldly place once in a while and wonder how I got there, but I can say that I don’t stay there long. I hate it there and I don’t know how to help others out of it. I will continue to try to share with others so they can find their way out. It’s such a long journey but each step that I take makes me stronger.
I contacted a friend that I went to high school with last night. We were ‘twins’ then…our coach would always mix us up and call us by each other’s names. I wrote her and told her a little about my fight with MPD and I was honest about how I used to feel about her. I used to see her as this social girl with so much going for her. I wanted to be like her–full of life and no worries. She wrote me back and told me the following:
It’s funny you said that about watching me in highschool & wishing you were more social, etc. That’s how I saw you… very social, funny, outgoing & someone that had their shit together. I would watch all of you (my friends) & wonder why the hell I couldn’t be normal like yall. I always envied your family too. Yall were very involved in church, and your parents seemed like they had the best relationship.
This is what brought up all the thoughts about “how come it happened to me” and “who’s fault was it”. I realize now that it is my journey and unfortunately it hurt like hell…but I don’t have to stay there. I can move forward and remember that everyone out there has issues. Everyone out there fights their own fight. I’m doing good to survive what I did and keep going. Now to just learn how to escape my cocoon that has kept me safe all these years.
I’m glad I re-connected with this friend of mine. I’m really looking forward to keeping in touch with her and learning more about her journey. It’s nice to find a lost friend.
Do you wear a mask? Do you hide behind your past or confront it? Do you find that others have problems too or do you feel overwhelmed with your own?
I’ve confronted it and no longer worry about it. I still have little remnants that remind me of what I have gone through, especially when I am stressed. However, I no longer wear the mask as often as I use to.
I admire your strength. Good luck through the ordeal.
I think we all wear masks. I am the queen of splashing water on my face and drying the tears. However, I do think I’ve confronted my past and moved on from it, even though it was such a painful thing to do. I remember when I was in school, my best friend and I got into a conversation over which was worse, never knowing your father or knowing him and knowing that he doesn’t care. We decided, at such a young age, that it doesn’t matter who’s situation was worse, we both felt pain over it and that’s all that mattered.
I used to hide, but now I’ve confronted a lot of my past and am working past it.
I know I’ve told you before, but I admire your strength.
“Everyone out there fights their own fight.”
This is a lesson life has been teaching me recently. I’m trying to keep hold of it.
I was one of those “children” as well and that was when I really started to disassociate. My disassociation however is pleasurable for me and so i often just stay there too long. I get this glazed look on my face and just zone out.
I do wear a mask but not as much because I feel that I need to but because others feel uncomfortable if I don’t sport it. *SIGH*
For a long time, when I first started going to Al-anon meetings, I sat alone at the back of the room and didn’t join the circle. It was a place where I was going because everyone related in some way and knew what I was feeling/going through…but I still felt different from them. When I realised I was doing that, I forced myself to sit with the rest of the group. I still don’t feel like I ‘fit’. I wonder how many people actually feel the same way though – in any group situation.
Do I wear a mask? Yep. I’m dealing with my past. Not sure that I’ve completely confronted it yet, but I’m working on it.