Living with MPD

So, I explained that the beginning of my visit was quite stressful to me.  Not only had I been drugged (later to find out it was something I’m allergic to and have hallucinations with) but I had been flown miles away from home (family could not visit), interviewed while drugged (didn’t remember a thing but the plum they offered me to eat), had a photo taken of me without permission (the rules said so!) but I also was extremely scared when I arrived.  I don’t know what happened except to say that my ‘littles’ (child personalities) came out in full force.  I also had issues with my protectors (also younger) coming out to help the littles who were scared.

You see, when you grow up after sexual abuse and you realize it’s okay to not form personalities to protect you, you still have to deal with the past.  The personalities that are YOU and a part of you are still there.  They don’t just leave.  You have to change habits and learn to deal with emotion differently.  I had not even come to realize this yet.

I entered and since I was scared and ‘little’ I decided after all the issues with my photo being taken that I should go hide.  My littles inside were scared and didn’t want to further scare the girl curled up in the bed (roommate that was like a 4 year old, who probably triggered my little to surface) after the ordeal with my photo being such a big deal, so they decided in their good nature to leave the room and go lie down.  I grabbed a blanket and walked into the hallway, found a quiet place and sat down.  I then tried to rest (still quite drugged) and relax so that I could get some of the stuff out of my head.

This is a sordid story.  I don’t remember EVERY detail as I was in several different personality modes, but I do remember some of the fun stuff and my therapist got a report later with details I will recount.

My trip to the state hospital is quite a memory.  I was admitted and upon entry I had no memory of being admitted.  In other words I was sitting on a couch and had no idea why I was there.  Quite a scare, you think?  You should’ve seen some of the other patients.  I got into a conversation with one girl and thought, "hey, she’s nice!" and a few moments later she was repeating things…mumbling and drooling.  I had no idea what her issues were.  I never found out much but knew she had some paranoia.  Maybe they had her hopped up on meds?

Anyhow, this was an interesting experience.  I woke up from my stupor and realized I had been drugged and flown to another part of the state.  I wasn’t in the usual hospital setting.  All the local hospitals were ‘full’ and I was sent instead to the state hospital.  Oh my what a trip!  Not only did the flight cost thousands (more than you’d think, try 15) but they couldn’t help me when I arrived.  The only help they offered me was possibly getting me steady on medication — but even that wasn’t working since they never had time enough to devote to my needs.  They got my medications wrong on more than one count.

But, back to the story:  I entered the long white hallways and they finally got me a room.  They escorted me there (I was quite the obedient one until the drugs wore off) and I tried to get comfy.  I entered a room with 3 beds.  The other hospitals I had visited had shared rooms but usually only 2 beds to a room.  Semi-private, if you will.  This was more like a group setting.  I was immediately curious about the other tenants.  I saw one girl curled up on the bed singing.  The other woman had been down the hall and just peered in to see who was being shown around.  I had a feeling the curled up ball of song was regressed.  I was right and found out later she was in her 30’s but was living as a 4 year old.

This all happened in about 2.2 seconds.

I was on the computer surfing blogs and IRCing when I heard my dog bark outside.  She’s an Akita and doesn’t bark unless there’s something there to bark at…so I looked out the window.

Down the driveway I saw a bear running into the trees and up my driveway.  I snapped! 

I jumped up and ran to the front door to get my dog into the house.  I knew I only had seconds if the bear was on it’s way up — they run FAST.  I walked out the door in my lovely pajamas and yelled at my dog, Eve, to come to the door.  She was barking and I glanced down again to see the bear.  I could just barely make out a person in the road jogging and I looked again at the bear, worried.  I then realized this ‘bear’ was a huge fluffy sheepdog of a dog and was NOT in fact coming up the driveway to eat my dog and me.

I shook for a few moments after this ordeal.  But it made me think…how many times do we act/react so fast out of fear or practice?  What happens when there’s a mistake made?  Adrenaline is a good thing in some situations — can it be a bad thing too?

I recently heard of a man shooting a child for walking on his lawn.  He called 911 and said that he had just shot the boy after years of being in a feud with this family.  Isn’t life short?  What about the issue we have with road rage?  Isn’t that just a quick high that we get on with anger and reactions that can turn so deadly?  I know I’ve had it happen.  The anger hits so quick and sometimes, sometimes you misunderstand intentions!

Have you heard of times or had times where you reacted quickly and it was a mistake? 

Yes, this guy won’t live it down now.  His dad even knows.  After meeting his mother on a dark beach thinking it was the ‘girl of his dreams’, Daniel had the misfortune of also meeting a police officer.  The story was told to keep the two from getting in trouble and then was leaked to the media rather quickly.  Daniel and his mother were having an internet love affair and had no idea until…

Ever wonder who you’re chatting to?

Oh, be careful out there in cyberspace!

Have you ever had an embarassing moment while talking to someone you know online? 

I was working on my new computer system tonight.  I had tried the other day to finalize some things.  I put the motherboard in, all jumpers were attached, the harddrive was set up and ready to be written to, the DVD and CD Roms were all ready to go and then…my computer geek in my head jumped ship.  I worked to get the machine going and I kept seeing the damned cursor.  I bumbled through a few of the BIOS commands to ensure it was set up properly.  I didn’t feel my usual confidence at all.  Myth, my secret computer geek in my head, was gone.  Where was this personality that I needed so much?

Why, after all this crap, can’t I just call a personality out when I need them?  I haven’t figured out this talent but I know that if I could do it, I would be able to take over the world.  I have so many talented people in my head and a high IQ to help them along…surely I could do great things!  I know I could.  If I could just get them to all work together.

One of the disadvantages to having MPD is that when you really want your strong person out, they hide.  When you want the shy girl out, she hides.  Ok, you want the mom out to buy groceries?  She’s napping back in your head somewhere.  How about the cook?  Who?  Yeah, she’s in there too somewhere but for now you’re stuck with the teen that wants to sleep and cuss.

It can be humorus later but when it’s happening I get pretty frustrated.  I wonder how my husband feels about it?