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bysshe (alter personality) Speaks

  • Posted on January 28, 2006 at 6:39 pm

I have an alter/personality by the name of bysshe.  This is a poem she wrote during 2001.

Just sharing:

Nightmares, so very vivid in my mind.
Flashes of the past and a myriad of additions blended in with it all.
Fear.
I feel it and it’s breaking me.
Tearing at my very soul – taking my spirit along with it.
Would I rather be numb?
Perhaps, today, yes.
Putting the mask on and wearing it as perfectly as I always have.
But, inside, feeling so imperfect all the while.
I realize we all are – all parts, all others, friends, even enemies.
But for some reason this feeling of imperfection is certainly working to break me.
Broken…I feel so broken.

The dreams scare me.

© 2001 bysshe

Possessed By Demons?

  • Posted on January 27, 2006 at 6:58 pm

Once again it’s Soapbox Sunday! I am taking this one to a personal level…

When I first found out my diagnosis of Multiple Personality Disorder, or as it’s commonly named, Dissociative Identity Disorder, I immediately got on the internet and looked it up. I wanted to know more about others with my issue — I wanted to know what I was facing.

I came upon a few sites, not just one or two, but a few sites that really disturbed me. I found out that there are people out there that believe that anyone with personalities is possessed by demonic forces. They are taking this from the story in the Bible, Mark 5:1-20 where the demon-possessed man comes upon Jesus and is healed. But, not before it describes the man as one that self-injures (gashing himself with stones) and is named “Legion” because (a legion was over 6,000 men in those days) he was “many”. I see this very differently…but wondered…deep inside, if there was an unseen force.

And I Thought “I” Was Crazy

  • Posted on January 25, 2006 at 8:08 am

Ok, I read a post at this blog today and after sending him a quick comment, I couldn’t resist the urge to follow suit and post a “Crazy Neighbor” update.  After the gunshot I heard the other night and the lame excuse for it…don’t you think you need some background on how we came to be neighbors with this wonderful family?

We moved into our house in September.  As usual, when we began to move, we were worried about rain or snow.  It seems we’re doomed, everytime we move, to brave either rain or snow.  This time the skies were clear.  Odd!

We later found out this was not the case — as we pulled into our new driveway and began loading things into the house, we realized the power was off.  I had been to the house the prior day and everything was fine.  We had made arrangements, concrete arrangements, to have the power switched to our name when the previous owner moved out.  I knew it had been done — after confirmation with the electric company a few days before.  Why was our power out?

February 14th, It’s Valentine’s Day, Right?

  • Posted on January 24, 2006 at 12:05 pm

I have special circumstances that bring February 14th to my mind.

During my episode of self-injury last year, in which it got pretty bad and continued to worsen, DH and I were struggling to find proper therapy for me and care. I had been in and out of hospitals in 2004 and when February 2005 came, I was in therapy, trying to stay OUT of hospitals. Still cutting, it was an issue.

After some serious talks with my therapist, I went home one day to find myself in a switchy time. (“switchy” means personalities were coming out w/o much warning) My DH came home to find me crying. I had blacked out and found myself cut again. In this time it was not the surprise of the cut or the look of it…it was the evidence that I could not stop the SI on my own and I had no idea why it was something I was suffering from. I wasn’t seeking attention — I was getting PLENTY of that. Why would I want to harm myself? What happened, that was so bad, that I hated my own body?

Food For Mental Patients

  • Posted on January 18, 2006 at 11:45 am

I visited several hospitals before finding “the one” that served good food. Yeah, I know, the hospital visits weren’t about food…but that does matter when you’re working hard in therapy or recovering from a heavily stressful time.

I was in a hospital that organized it’s eating time very well. Honestly, I had been in a more expensive hospital setting in the past that didn’t come CLOSE to this one.

You walked into a room with muted tones on the walls, small circular tables for 4-5 people/patients, brown chairs with quite comfy cushions. As you entered, they had 2 nurses that would make your tray for you. They would do the basics then you could ask for more of your favorites. Drinks were on ice and you chose your drink or drinks, got your tray set up and chose a seat.

Then, you looked at your plate. I remember one meal of wild grain rice, baked chicken, fresh steamed carrots and a chocolate cake for dessert.

Was this a hotel? Should a hospital be THIS nice and encourage visitors?

I don’t know the answer to those, but I DO know that during my time of strife, when I felt completely alone and afraid, when I felt isolated from family and support systems, as I worked to untangle the days that led up to hospitalization — this food was the best comfort for me that I could’ve asked for. It was an amazing feeling, to really feel cared about, in a hospital setting.

I know most hospitals try hard to ‘care for’ their patients and we don’t make it easy (temper tantrums, frustrations, lack of sleep, medication issues) but this one had it down. Right down to the chilled orange juice in a pitcher!

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